Chapter
12

I remember taking a shower in our home that morning. I remember realizing that when I left the shower that I would be putting on a suit and tie for my son’s funeral. Forty-eight hours before, Jackson was alive on this earth and now I’m about to go for his funeral services. I burst out into tears.

 

Elna, Alex, Niki, and I loaded up in our car and headed to the church. Alex fell deep asleep on the way. When I drove up to the church parking lot, I knew Alex could benefit from some solid sleep at this time. I knew that she would wake up quickly if we all started getting out of the car. As we pulled up to the church, I remember telling Niki that Elna and I would get out of the car at the church and go in. I told Niki to get in the driver’s seat and drive Alex around the streets near the church so that she would be able to continue her nap. It never phased me to ask this because it was our normal routine. Niki later told me that she was terrified to drive the car with Alex in it. However, she also told me that she was thankful that I still “trusted” her. I’m not sure if it was really trust. Perhaps, I was just in denial that things were different.

 

Elna and I got out of the car. It was about an hour before anyone else was supposed to be there for the services. However, three of Elna’s friends from pharmacy school had just arrived at the church as well. They had driven in from Dallas and Shreveport. People had obviously gotten the word out, and friends and family would be coming in. Elna and I entered the church alone. I remember opening up the doors of the worship center and my eyes going directly to the front center. This was the area just in front of the stairs at center stage. This was the area where people who had decided to follow Jesus would walk up to. It’s where people would publicly proclaim to the world that they had surrendered their life to Jesus. At that place today, my son’s casket was located.

 

It seemed pretty overwhelming.

 

I stood there for a moment just inside the doorway to the worship center at the back. Just to my right was the sound booth. The guy in charge of sound was a friend of mine. He gave me a polite smile and a look of consoling. Then he turned to business. He said, “Leigh has provided me with the recording of Jackson singing, and I’m told you are bringing a CD of a song you’d like played as well?”

 

I said, “Yes,” and then told him which one it was.

 

He then said, “Would you like to hear Jackson’s song?”

 

I put on big earphones. They were high-tech and of exceptional quality at the time. The recording began to play for me through the headset. It was the first time I had heard Jackson’s voice since Wednesday. His beautiful voice pierced my soul. Jackson began……” I love you, Lord……” I cried and smiled at the same time.

 

By the time Jackson had stopped singing, I was a different person. I so wanted to represent Jackson well. He would no longer be able to speak verbally to people, but I knew his character. Jackson had a lot of important things to share. I wanted to be used to share those important truths with the world. Today, I would begin that journey. After taking off the headset, I joined Elna up at the front of the worship center next to the casket. Everything was nicely displayed. The casket was closed. Next to the casket was the large Sage photo that was taken when Alex was a newborn and Jackson was about 15 months old. Alex is laying in a white wicker chair and Jackson is playing with a blade of grass over her. One of the funeral home attendants politely spoke to us. He said that he was told that we did not want an open casket, but that was still a choice that we could make now. He asked if we wanted to open it, even briefly, for just Elna and I to view. We said, “No. He’s not there.”

 

Luke 24:5-7

 

5 In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, ‘Why do you look for the living among the dead? 6 He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 7 “The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.”’